i was tired at nine
i was tired at nine. but it's 1043 an i'm still awake. i'll go to bed after i post this.okay. gnite.
jesus wept
i went down to new orleans a week ago with a group from intervarsity at uri. we met up with over 100 volunteers in saint bernard's parish at a place called "city of hope barracks". we spent a week there. on our free time we bonded, we played chess, speed scrabble, and other games.free time... in new orleans? shouldn't you be working?
that was my thought too. i figured at the end of the day i would be run ragged by all the good work we'd do. considering how after 2.5 years, new orleans hasn't made much improvement in the less economically motivated areas, there should have been heaps of work to do. and there was. but we couldn't do it. it's extremely unorganized down there... when they get volunteers, they have trouble placing them somewhere. there's not exactly a system in place for effective volunteer action.
but jesus wept.
every night we had community time. a teaching was given in large group. we went to discuss it in somewhat smaller groups afterwards.
lazarus was sick.
jesus was in another town.
jesus heard news about lazarus.
jesus stayed where he was.
finally, jesus went to lazarus.
martha and mary were upset when he arrived.
he could have healed lazarus.
lazarus didn't have to die.
had he been there, he could have done something.
he had all the power to do it.
when jesus saw mary weeping,
and the jews who had come along with her also weeping,
he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
jesus wept.
then jesus raised lazarus from the dead.
something important i took away from the trip is that doing something, and fixing the physical problems aren't always the best way to address the actual need. new orleans needs fixing up, that's for certain... but even more, the people there needs someone to partner with them in their suffering. they need someone who is deeply moved by their story. they need someone who feels helpless and immobile alongside them. they need people to listen to their stories. they need to be remembered.
the first step to rebuilding new orleans isn't necessarily fixing up houses. there are far more broken people than broken houses.
new orleans
i am leaving for new orleans today. there will be no new posts for awhile. that is all.
palindrome
i always thought the word that would describe what it means to have something spelled the same way backwards and forwards should also act like what it describes... like instead of being called a palindrome, it'd be called a kayak. makes more sense, no?well anyways, the longest palindrome that i had known for the longest time was "devil never even lived". thanks to a personal friend of mine who i have never met, but have seen once in awhile, although i doubt he's ever seen me... i know a longer palindrome.
click for big.
today was beautiful
i slept in. late.too late to tell you how late.
okay, you convinced me.
i'll tell you.
two.
thirty.
seven.
i know. it's great. my poetry class was canceled. i woke up and felt tired. but good. it was a weird feeling. i haven't really been getting better from being sick. but i just feel more energized. maybe it's because i sleep for about fourteen hours a night. or something else. but i have a feeling that's it.
i went to get breakfast/lunch soon after i woke up. i had waffles, with syrup with maple flavoring. and butter. lots of butter. i also had chocolate milk. i got peanut butter cup ice cream, but i wasn't able to eat it. my friend liz helped me out.
after lunch i hung out in my room for a little bit while i prepared to go to the library to study with some of my residents. i find that a change in scenery sometimes helps me to focus more. it was good. i got through two chapters of economics and felt as if i truly had accomplished something.
afterwards i got dinner with jon, chris, and bryant. i had a boca burger. i don't know if i mentioned this already, but i gave up meat for lent. all meat. it's been an interesting experience. it's opened doors for conversation with a lot of people. about fasting. about self sacrifice. about jesus. about restoration. and healing.
but bryant was constantly getting excited about the flavors in his food. i mean really excited. he rushed from the table at one point, entirely out of his mind and came back with quite a large portion of honey, which he proceeded to drizzle on his KFC style chicken. it looked immaculate. watching him eat it brought me joy. we then tried honey on everything. my onion rings. my boca burger. chris's food. jon's food.
we finished eating ten minutes before bible study.
after we ate we had bible study.
jon shared his testimony. we've been doing that during the study, one person or a few people share their testimony each week. it helps as we move through the book of hosea to keep in mind that the words are as active today as they were then. that God moves as much as he did then... now. it's beautiful to hear people's stories.
we discussed the state of israel, their prostitution with other gods. their wealth, their arrogance. we discussed what we did at origins last night a little more in depth. God bless america... america bless others. we talked about how our hearts can be towards God. how we can have empty works.
i talked with a friend of mine afterwards about mother theresa. about her love for people. about how she loved like jesus did in a way that i hope i will be able to some day.
i feel alive.
i know i promised
okay, so quick update on my life.i have bronchitis.
i'm leading a study alongside my friend janet on the book of hosea.
i led worship last night at origins.
i still enjoy dave matthews band.
and radiohead.
and maroon 5.
i know. i know.
but don't worry...
i still think tool sucks.
so what's been going on recently you ask?
well... i've been having a hard time with school. i'm not too motivated this semester, and there are plenty of things going on to distract my attention from it. being sick is a major one. and not having the ability to focus on anything nonmusical for more than 5 minutes. i've even had a hard time preparing for bible study.
it's weird.... i've been feeling very strange for the past few weeks. i'm excited about the littlest things, and the littlest things get me in a weird funk. i go through periods of joy, and depression in very short time spans.
i'm attempting to become less reliant on technology, even though my life demands it more and more. especially since i have two online classes.
i'm trying to deepen my relationships here on campus more with people. i'm trying to disciple people and mentor them.
i decided to live off campus next year. to get a housemate. i'll be living with joe dipilato. i was recently offered another RA job, one in which i would be able to have roommates, but the only problem with it is that people offcampus can't move on campus, so joe wouldn't be able to go. and i know i'm supposed to live with him next year. if it was the right thing, i feel like God would have given me the go ahead on it. however, i've been praying, and living with joe is what i'm supposed to be doing. but getting the job offer wasn't fun having to turn it down. i don't know why this happens to me sometimes.
i'm going back and forth on what i want to do this summer for work. my heart keeps leaning more and more toward camp, but it doesn't seem like a healthy environment as of yet, and i've got other offers, and an inner-city internship that i need to apply for if i'm going to even think of doing something else. i need to do that... it's due to their main office on march 15. that's in 10 days...
so here's the thing:
i'm feeling as if i'm being thrust into roles of leadership that i don't believe i at all capable of filling, or feel that i am all ready for... but i feel are where i'm supposed to be. maybe God is teaching me something. i'm learning more and more that i need to depend on him for everything. maybe that's what it is. maybe that's what i'm supposed to be putting into practice. it's so hard though. i'm in a tough spot right now.
i feel an extreme longing in my heart for a lot of things. i feel like my desire for Christ has increased to a level that i cannot contain anymore. i'm letting God heal me and dwell in me in ways that i never thought he ever could. and it's painful. and joyful. i'm glad that i have people that have come alongside me and are walking with me.
i've been looking at seminary recently... i mean... really looking. before, i knew i was going, but i had my mind set on gordon, the c.u.m.e. campus (look it up... they offer a better description) it's basically gordon conwell's urban ministry seminary. kind of. well anywho, i talked to a friend of mine who recommended a bunch of schools, which i prayed about and checked out their programs, and what it might look like to go there. truth is, gordon's on the bottom of my list now. weird, huh? i'm actually looking at bethel now for seminary. it's odd how God works.
He put the desire in my heart to be a pastor the second give my life to Christ. in fact, it's the weirdest thing: i said, "okay God, here's my life" and He said, "ok, i'll take it, and fill it with all these passions and areas where i know i can use you. now go be a blessing."
i think one of these days i'm going to post my testimony up here. it wouldn't be that hard to do. i've already got it typed up, i just have to update it... it's a few years old. when i applied to uri i used a good chunk of it as part of my essay. i just have to get it off of my other computer that it's stored on.
let's see, what else is going on? i feel like i never talk about adrienne here... i don't know that she would like if i did. but here's the deal. her and i have been dating for over a year. she's wonderful. if you don't know her, or you haven't been introduced yet, you should be. let me know. i'd love to introduce you. there's no one in the world like her. (although, she's got one of those faces... (you'll have to ask her what i mean by that when you meet her(also, i've got one of those faces too))).
but leading worship last night at origins was a really interesting experience. it was different to step out of my comfort zone behind the drums and into more of what felt like a spotlight position and lead. to be honest, i really need to work on my worship leading skills. just in communicating with other musicians about where we're going and what we're doing. i forget sometimes that playing instruments for people is not how drums work for me. drums are just... this natural thing... it flows out of who i am. and i feel like i can follow anyone and play anything we'd do on a sunday morning or a wednesday night. i forget how hard guitar actually is. haha.
but anywho, i was really able to just give the night up to God. just to say, "okay Lord, this is all for you... i'm going to mess up constantly, and while i know there's a ton of talented musicians here to cover up my mistakes, i'm still scared of making them... but it's all for you." it was a good experience. extremely humbling. terrifying even at times. and since i'm sick, my voice was gone when we finished. but it was a great time. God really blessed me through it. i love to lift my voice up to Him. i can't believe i'm saying this, but i can't wait to do it again. i like being stretched and getting into new things. it's fun.
i'm going to new orleans for spring break to help in the rebuilding efforts. i also got a ticket for parking in a handicap accessible spot. i'm so stupid sometimes. i make such an effort and such a big deal about how our lives are supposed to imitate Christ, and then i go park in the spot. and you know what? the biggest deal about that is that i got caught. it's not the fact that i did it. to be honest, i was most upset with the fact that i got a ticket, not that i probably was parked there when someone who actually was in need of the spot required it. i just figured i'd share that with you all. it's something i needed to get off my chest.
it's amazing to me sometimes that people actually laugh at things they read. now i know this may come as a shock to you, but when i read something i think is funny, or comical, i may chuckle a little bit, but i hardly laugh out loud. in fact, when i type "haha" or "lol" in an instant messenger window, i'm very rarely laughing out loud, or even laughing. it just becomes such a habit. but when i showed adrienne the "stuff white people like" blog (www.stuffwhitepeoplellike.wordpress.com) she burst out laughing at a ton of the stuff. he relates to it so much too... it's really funny. trust me, if you have friends who are white, or are even white yourself, you'll likely find something funny about it. but she was in tears laughing. i felt as if i needed to share that.
so i'm in the process of looking at houses with joe. it's not so bad. i got a call at 8:30 in the morning yesterday from one of the people whose house we looked at. she's really nice. her and her husband live in florida, and they really want joe and i to move into their house for some reason. i guess they think we're good people. it's only partially true. he's good people. i'm good some of the time. anyways, the house is kinda small, and may not fit my needs spacewise. (guitars, drums... etc) but sacrifice may be required if we want something affordable and whatnot. it's in a reasonably big party neighborhood though... but so is the really nice house that's slightly out of our price-range, with the potentially over-bearing future landlord... but it'll be fine. i'm sure i can still play my guitar. albeit, not at full volume.
so i think one of the tubes on my amp is cracked. i don't know how this would have happened as i'm extremely careful while transporting it. but it may be cracked. olson... bannon... mook... WHAT DO I DO?! it's not something that looks like it needs to be fixed, but is a cracked tube something that would need to be fixed if it sounds fine and works well? anyways, let me know what you think... this is all new to me. i just bought the thing though, i really don't want to have to throw money into it. especially when i want to turn my acoustic guitar into an acoustic electric. yay.
so anyway, new orleans. we're going there on a bus. it's gonna take awhile, and as far as i remember, i get pretty sick on buses. i may be allergic to dramamine, but that 2 day stint in the hospital after taking it may have been entirely unrelated. who knows? anywho, i might try some magnetic bracelet action, and if that doesn't work... sleeping pills? who knows? motion sickness is not a fun animal. i'm debating bringing my guitar on this trip. my cheap one. i don't think i'd like being away for a week and not being able to play guitar, i feel like i'd be pretty bad at the end of the week getting back to it. i've been playing it pretty much every day since i got back to school this semester. i really enjoy guitar now.
i think even more than guitar, i enjoy singing. i'm not too good at it, but i think with practice i can get better. i worry about ruining my voice though. i've thought of voice lessons, but they kind of seem scary to me. i feel like singing is such a personal thing. i used to hate singing in front of people. i'm just starting to do it now and enjoy it. i think i have a fairly decent voice that could improve with practice. :)
this weekend is probably going to be a pretty big "get back on track with all my school stuff weekend". i think adrienne's busy for most of it, so it'll make it easier for me to stay focused on the things i need to focus on. girls: they can be huge distractions. i'm looking forward to some time though, when i'm not sick, where i can start working on covers again. i've got a lot of ideas for some decent covers of songs that i'd love to share with you. for example... a verson of coldplay's yellow in 6/8 time, with cut time chorus. yea. i know. for all you nonmusic people... it sounds really exciting. but yea, it actually does sound pretty cool. and it's fun to play.
we sang come ye sinners at intervarsity tonight. i love that song. there's a line in it that says:
if you tarry till you're better
you will never come at all
it's my favorite line in the whole song. i feel like that's exactly what God tells us throughout our entire lives. it's something i personally need tobe consistently reminded of. i'm not perfect. i need God's grace. if i keep trying to fix myself on my own, it's not going to work, in fact, it's going to push me further away from God... it's crazy.
anywho, that was just a small update of the many things that have been going on in my life since i last posted.
much love.
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