ironic

i did it all on my mac with garage band and an acoustic guitar...
instrumentation includes:
acoustic guitar
electric guitar
bass
vocals
beatboxing
drums

this song took me about 4 hours to record and finish. i'm proud of it.

psh, bands...
i also did a cover of maroon 5's must get out.
it's completely different from this, i did a more staccato feel with it, i like it, but i'll upload it later

fortune cookie

yes, i am cleaning my room.
no, i am not finished.
yes, i have exams soon.
no, i have not studied.
yes, i have done christmas shopping.
no, i have not finished.
yes, i did buy you a present.
no, i did not wrap it.
yes, i can't wait to spend more time with you.
no, i do not have the time to spare.
yes, i did get a lot of candy.
no, i did not eat it all.
yes, i am thirsty.
no, i do not have water.

"your day will be filled with circumstance, both good and bad."

this cookie had no lucky numbers.
yes, i did play the lottery.
no, i did not win.
=P

mmm updates

as i am never satisfied with how this blog looks, i am undergoing more updates. sorry for the appearance while i sort things about. now's time for bed. it's too late and i have to be up in 4 hours. WHEE!

*update*
haha, it's kinda funny to update an update... anyways, i finished up the layout changes. isn't she pretty?

news

it has come to my recent attention that i look like the shooter from the omaha mall shootings that happened more than a few days ago. this is true (and i leave it up to you to browse the net for photos if you're curious) i'm praying for everyone involved in this tragedy, please do the same. it really sucks that this kind of stuff goes on. :'(

tycoon

i hung out with bryant and chris tonight. those guys are a lot of fun. we decided to get chinese, so we went to seven moons, which is this great chinese place near my house. we finished everything we ordered, it was amazing. i'm kinda hungry now though... and i was an hour or so after we ate. but that's chinese food. it's so savory i want more. or something like that. afterwards we hung out at my house, sorta chilled in the living room. chris read a couple chapters from velvet elvis, while bryant played on the piano a bit (he's amazing, God's blessed him with an incredible gift) and i perused the web for a bit while we decided on what we would do.

turns out, we played monopoly. the game was slow at first, we all pretty much owned one of everything on the board... but all the sudden, bryant got a monopoly, and i needed to move fast. so i made a few trades with people around the board and got moving on the game. needless to say, i won. i've actually never lost. i also never play people who say they've never lost either. that way we don't kill each other's winning streaks.

anyways, it was a good night. great conversation, a lot of funny moments, all in all a good night. tomorrow i get to play drums at cole. yay! it'll be interesting, i've grown to hate that drum kit, but it's praising God, so i do it joyfully. :) anyways, good night.

mmm

i've been writing a lot recently, nothing much suitable for the blog as of yet though...

the major update is that the craziness of my life at school is finally over. i'm home this weekend, taking a break from it all, spending time with some friends tonight over a pizza, or some other sort of unhealthy food, and just enjoying life at the moment. they should be here soon, but until then, i write.

bible study has been great. i love heading up to providence every thursday for it, not only does it provide me a nice break from campus life, but it also provides me with a 45 minute drive both ways, where it's just me and God. while i may have those moments every day of the week, i never get them in that quantity... completely distraction free. it's nice.

the cool thing about bible study is that it really gets me pumped about the bible. i get really excited throughout the course of the week to learn and investigate new and exciting things about my faith, and about what other people believe, and my whole attitude improves. it's like, added accountability to want to be really invested in learning scripture. normally, when i'm not involved in a bible study, i can feel that way, but when i am involved, it's continuous. i don't have dead spots really. it's sort of like when i was at camp all summer, preparing cabin teaching times for every night. i stayed invested in the bible so that i would be ready to share... not only in thought and word, but also in action. that's the most important part of it.

i've been rereading rob bell's velvet elvis recently. if you haven't read it yet, you should check it out. it's really an amazing book. an interesting thing to note is that continuously, throughout the book, i find myself saying, "yes, i've said that before" or "i just learned that in the bible... how exciting that someone is sharing in my story" i also find that a lot of the ways bell would articulate things are the same way i would articulate things. although, most of mine is based on my own logic, whereas he draws a lot from books with a wealth of knowledge on the subject. i need to do that more. citing that the source is in my own brain is good, but i have to build upon that foundation a bit. :)

anyways, i'm really excited about what God has been doing recently. there was a tree at origins last week, and under it was quite a large mound of presents. not one of them was for us. it was beautiful to see the selflessness and heartfelt giving by this community.

i think bryant and chris are here. i'm out.

insane

so anyways, i have a ton of stuff to write...

but no time right now so it will have to wait...

i've been crazy busy the past week, but i promise, a slew of posts after tomorrow...

arabic is going to kill me. but my final is tomorrow.

it is finished.

i for once

i welcome the cold.
i welcome the cold
nip of the wind
on the small of my neck
where my scarf
can't quite reach.

i sojourn in the anticipation
of winter's first snow,
which beckons brisk footsteps
as the sun sets;
the temperature races
a downward spiral.

i cherish the gloves
in my backseat
when her hands are cold.
but even more,
i yearn for her to
refuse the gloves.
to take my hand instead.

winter is an icebox
that bolsters cafes.
cafes heated by coffee
and heartfelt conversation.
when she and i enter
i am brought back to life.
there's much to be said about those few fleeting moments we can share together amongst the busyness of the school year and all that is the holiday season. i'm thankful for the time we do spend. today was a good day. God has blessed me indeed.

recently

i did a lot of posts while i was away for thanksgiving at the grandma's... be sure to check out life and poems for all the goodies. :)

to: freedom

break these iron chains up from the ground
you say these words but you don't speak a sound
you've won me over heart and soul
piece by piece i extol
please break my iron chains up from the ground

to: all that we have lacking

it is said humanity is
sans purpose,
fostering a manufactured ideal.
that we, collectively are
grouped by infirmities, malnourished,
and stand powerless together.

but you raise a mighty fist,
and in collaboration we scream.
inaudible.
even to open ears.

because in the end,
all this noise that we make
is just silence.

to: insincerity

and so they asked if i wanted to bring back
the days of monoliths and cathedrals
replace what was already here
with things that had once been

with no reply spinning, silent questions
engaging on my innocence
i spoke with speech
restless at best

things can't be the way they seem
living is questioning endless
reason deceives even the core
of who am i?

stevespeak

so i stumbled upon an old definition list i had made. here's the list, plus some added bonuses:

uncontaminated sauce: a dipping sauce that has not been dipped in previously.
facebook official: an important event in a person's life, in which the prominent way of informing friends about said event is through facebook.
vertical sports: any sports that involve jumping or other vertical activities
driver's advantage: in the game of pdiddle, when the driver is able to spot a nonfunctioning headlight in their mirror before the passenger sees it
haberdasher: a good looking person. usually refers to a man.
doubledee's: dunkin donuts
teehoes: tim hortons
maccers: macdonalds
dave: dave matthews band
boom-chuck: 2-step/bluegrass rhythm
cdubs: cartridge world

dress up ideas

toast
transformers
mario kart
breakfast items
holidays
bowling
monopoly
christmas presents
legos
little letter building blocks
hannah barbara cartoon characters
old lady shoe w/ kids
nintendo characters
hall directors
weather conditions
road signs
apocalyptic bums
breakfast cereal characters
russian gymnast team
michael vic and the dogs
emo kids

habits

i'm wicked squeamish, but i have this terrible habit. i bite my fingers. i literally rip the skin right off my fingers. it never hurts when i'm doing it, but afterwards it'll kill. then it'll hurt for a day or two. my stepdad had to get shots in his fingers for his dry hands. he said that hurt like crazy because there are so many nerve endings in our fingers... i rip the skin off. it can't be good for me. i've tried to break the habit, but it always comes back with the start of larger stresses in my life. school mainly. when i read books. and when i watch movies.

i bit the crap out of them during transformers tonight. again, it's such a pointless movie. i don't see how people liked it. the soundtrack is terrible. all the cheesiest rock music parts come on when there's supposed to be some serious action. but it always comes in all of the sudden, just a bit earlier/later than it should. the timing isn't well done. they need to have fade ins. the dialogue is also terrible in the movie too. and it's all highly predictable. and cheesy. did i mention cheesy? it's the worst teen angst movie i've seen in awhile. actually, probably ever. the plot of the movie is actually this:

sam witwiki is socially awkward. he's got a weird family. he gets bad grades in school. the girls don't like him. sam gets a sweet car, and by an odd turn of events gets to drive the best looking and most popular girl in the movie home. all the robots and whatnot are thrown in just to fill space at this point, and provide a reason for the possibility of sam getting with this girl. it could have been 5 minutes long. as i recall, the classic 80s cartoon transformers wasn't about getting laid. it was about the robots.

don't get me wrong. i'm not bitter about the movie. i just wish they would have done it a bit better. too much lacking across the board.

to: indulgence

hey, you want half a bagel?
no. you hungry?
yea, you want half a bagel?
sure, if you get it.
ha.
put cream cheese on it.

what would you do?

do you remember those old commercials... "what would you do for a reeses?" or the "there's no wrong way to eat a reeses"

they were so good.

i remember the one where they set them up like dominos. knocked them all down, at the end, the cup flies out into his hand and he eats it. perfect.

i don't remember any others...
but i do know how i eat mine:
i rip the package right open.
i pull off the paper holder.
i shove it in my mouth.
i repeat 12 times.
delicious.
:)

prayer

grandma's having a lot of fun.
she usually doesn't stay up late.
it's 11:30 now and we're starting another movie.
transformers. mmm, enticing.
i don't think grandma's gonna like this one.

i found myself wondering today whether or no grandma wears contacts. i've never seen her in glasses. and her eyesight is perfect. she's able to read street signs that even i can't see... with my glasses. some people have it lucky. maybe she's got contacts. who knows? i should ask her sometime.

she's got a lot of funny stories about me from when i was a little kid. things that i didn't even know that i did. grandma remembers everything.

i heard said that the possessions in people's homes and rooms show what they care about. i see it most with people who have pictures in their rooms. my friend seth's room has a lot of album art on the walls from bands he listens to. his walls are pretty bare otherwise. he may have a few other pictures of family members and whatnot, but none that i can recall. his brother evan on the other hand has his shelves filled with pictures of his family and friends. it's amazing.

grandma's got a lot of pictures of family. and jesus. grandma loves jesus. grandma believes in prayer too. i know because she told me. she was praying for my dad and i while we were driving here to long island. she prays in the morning when she wakes up. she prays before bed. she prays constantly. about everything. in everything. when grandma says she'll pray for something, she does. and you can tell. she's truly a loving woman.

i'm gonna miss my grandma. she's still really healthy, but for some reason i've been thinking a lot about the importance of family recently, and logging as much time as i can because i don't know how much time is really left... here at least.

i think the more i start to take what jesus said and apply it to my life, and the more i try to love people... the more i realize how important time with family is. sacrifice at this point becomes essential too. my grandma cried when we left. i don't remember her ever doing that. it was so, so important to visit this time.

god answers prayer. that's what grandma says.

the : format

hmm... it seems that i've lost some of the original creative desire to format my blog differently in the form of letters. i've also found that i've become jealous of the way hope does her blog entries. i've become quite addicted to her blog. a lot of blogs actually. but she updates daily, most of my friends don't do that... anyways...

she's got this neat way she titles all her posts. it starts with a verb, then a colon, then a noun:

verb : noun

examples:
eating : ice cream
listening : death cab

i'd copy it, but that wouldn't be innovative enough for me. sadly, cuz i like it. maybe i'll ask for her permission to post like she does.

anyways, the letter thing didn't work, cuz sometimes i don't want to write letters. i don't feel like addressing them, i don't always feel like being creative. i don't always want to follow a format. i dunno, just some thoughts.

re: a movie

hahaha.... license to wed was hilarious. man. you definitely gotta see it. we laughed so hard we cried. my grandmother was in tears. she couldn't talk. she feels sick from laughing so much she says. it's oh man, just watch it. not to mention all the office cameos. everyone except michael, oscar, and dwight are in it. no one from the warehouse too unfortunately. but kevin's character is amazing. oh, pam wasn't their either. i think it would have been funny for her to pop up as an ex-girlfriend.

:)

a movie

so they brought back some movies. license to wed. yay! jim halpert! and transformers (seen it... it was hysterically cheesy) it says on my dad's car's cd player that it plays mp3 cds. i hope it's right. because i'm going to put a bunch of mp3s on a cd, and i want to listen to them while going home. :) it's exciting. i went to bestbuy today and got a bunch of black friday items. some dvds to burn on and a 12pack of cds to burn on for the ride home. i also got some 2 gig flash drives. my mom lost hers. she payed 50 bucks for a 1 gig. haha, i got the two gigs for 15 each. a steal. i gotta say. anyways, i realized i'm a sucker for a good deal.

:) my grandmother is so cute. i've missed her.

off to a movie. out.

leaving tomorrow

so tomorrow is the day we'll be leaving. it's not so bad. this weekend feels extremely short. prolly cuz i had to close the building on wednesday, and got up so early thursday morning to travel. it really doesn't feel like friday though. tomorrow is saturday. and that's crazy cuz i'm going home tomorrow. i wonder what time we'll be leaving and if there will be traffic. i hope not. i hope we leave a tad early too, i'd like to get home. although, i'm not sure what i'll do when i'm home. maybe i'll phone adrienne and see if she wants to go do something. or something. anyways, i guess i'll see.

my dad was out shopping with my aunt and grandma. i think he just got back. i really wish i could mooch of a neighbor's wireless internet here. i'm dying to get online. i want to talk to people. to see how they're doing. maybe it's good to have no internet. it forces me to be social and interact with people. which is why i'm writing blog entries with no internet, with an intention of posting them later. but there's no one here really. i don't like going shopping where they went. bob's, marshalls, t.j. max. ew.

to do list

things i should be doing while i'm here... since i have less distractions:

study
study
study
study
study
study
study
study
study
procrastinate

maybe my list is out of order... or my priorities aren't where they should be. i find myself saying, "i'll study later, spend time with grandma now." or "i'll watch a movie with some people" or "ooh, christmas shopping" instead of studying. ah well, maybe i'll study later. the night is young, only 8:17. it feels SO MUCH later.

turkey day

so thanksgiving was good. i ended up going with my dad to new york... which is where i am now. unfortunately i've got real no internets, but i can plug in here every now and again and have it. i just have to unplug my uncle's compy.

things i'm thankful for:
family
friends who aren't into conspiracy theories
good times
shopping on black friday
wireless internet
bob's pecan pie (amazing)

adrienne couldn't make it to long island... i miss her. i wish she could have come, but i understand having to be where your family is. that's why i'm here. i hope i can see her for christmastime. it's nice to be with certain people around the holidays. i don't know what differentiates them from other times... but it's just... special.

it is finished

welcome to the new matchbook fade. :) finally done. i think it was well worth it. isn't she pretty?

updates

i updated some stuff on the blog, but i think it's time for a revamp. i've been learning what all the html on the blog means, and now i think it's time for an overhaul. wish me luck :)

re: santa claus

if you haven't checked out the original post

but here's my updated list:

camera:
canon 40d
canon ef 24-105mm f/4l is usm
lens filters (if i get the new lens) polaroid and uv

guitar:
fender stratocaster
electric guitar amp
guitar strap
guitar tuner

drums:
ludwig black beauty snare 5x14
snare mounted tambourine
shaker (cylinder shape)

books:
born to buy
the tipping point

food:
family size box of wheat thins
hummus
dehydrated vegetables
some really good juice
reed's ginger brew

clothes:
american apparel tshirts... medium... good colors
a sweet belt
gap 1969 boot cut low rise authentic japanese denim jeans 30/32
batteries for my swatch watch
watch with brown band and green face

dorm room:
posters of sweet bands
a trendy rug
gift certificates (starbucks, gap, urban outfitters, threadless)

i updated

so i updated the blog.
i hope you are enjoyed.
it actually took me a lot longer than i had expected it to. but i'm pleased with the results... for now. the header needs a little bit of work, but since it's past 4 am, i'm done. so glad i don't have any classes tomorrow. :) yay.

to this post (actually, it comes after the one below it, but if you're lazy, and don't want to read both, this may be the better one to start with)

so a few weeks ago, i got rid of my facebook and created a new profile under the name dustin faust. i may have blogged about this, but i don't remember. it was a way to purge, and be friends with people instead of just facebook friends. so i requested the friends that i remembered seeing recently, or spent time with on a regular basis. i have one tenth of the friends that i used to. it's quite nice.

but my primary reason for doing this was so i could actually be friends with the people i claimed friendships with. so what does this mean? well, it means that i pray for my friends. i go through the list, and i pray for these people. usually just lifting a name up to God, other times, having the feeling the someone's life is in turmoil, or needing to just truly thank God for that person, i may stick with a name for longer than the rest. but i've been seeing the hand of God a lot more in my friends' lives. when i talk to them now, and ask them how they are, i actually mean it. i actually want to know how they are.

i want to get past the, "hey, how's your day?" "good" response. and i think i have. i think in a lot of ways God is causing me to become closer with these people, even if i'm really not as close as i would like to be. i'm becoming better friends with people, through spending time with God for them. it's really amazing. it's especially amazing for those of them who have blogs, and i see God at work in their lives through what they may mention.

anyways, that's how God's been blessing me a lot recently. through the internet. who would have thought that love in real tangible ways, would come through something as terrible as the internet... haha

to another day

so today was good.

i was on call last night, which meant bed wasn't going to happen until at least 12:30. which i got to go to bed at exactly 12:30, which was such a blessing. i woke up this morning at around 8:30. the fire inspection people showed up at around 10. they banged on my door. "hold on!" i was changing my clothes. another knock. "wait a minute!" door starts opening. i dove under my blankets and pretended to be asleep. my wall director looks in, "still sleeping, he's such a hoot." i let them leave and put my pants on.

i don't really remember what i did between 8:30 and 10. i think i had intended on showering, but that didn't happen until about noonthirtyish. i also intended to study for arabic and econ. i was only able to study for econ. i wonder where the time goes. i had another omelette for breakfast. i didn't like this one for some reason or another. it wasn't as satisfying as yesterdays. the apples around here haven't been as good either. but i had guava juice with my breakfast this morning, so it's all good. adrienne's been drinking this berry smoothie stuff that tastes like a shake with unsweetened yogurt in it. i like it. it may be a healthy way to get my servings of fruit in for the day. now only if they made a vegetable juice that tastes good. if you find one, let me know.

econ today was great for many reasons. one: it was all about being green. and gas prices. and the economy. i'm under the persuasion that gas prices should be raised. i don't think we're paying what we should be. we're not paying that ACTUAL cost of gasoline. its harm on the environment, the time we waste in traffic by there being too many cars on the road. in a lot of ways i envy my friend andrew. he's been able to survive on the buses and bumming rides from friends i'm sure. not to mention the stories and lives he's able to interact with by taking public transportation. we don't get that interaction in cars. usually when we're in them, we're just pissed off at the petite woman in the mammoth suv talking on her cell phone while drifting into our lane.

i have so many friends who would make good christians. they'd make great christians. they genuinely care about people and the world around them. they make sacrifices for people. they show love to people who don't seem to deserve it at all. they turn the other cheek. they bend their backs to make sure someone else is happy. no one thanks them, but they keep on doing it. and a lot of these friends of mine are so unfulfilled. if they'd place their trust in christ to make them happy instead of these actions, and give their lives to him, while still following this trend of good works, they would have such full lives. it's amazing how i see people who don't look to jesus as the source of anything they do, but can show love in so many ways i fail to. i need to love people better.

so many of my residents are leaving for thanksgiving. i'm going to miss them over this brief respite. a majority of them are my friends. i'd like to reach out to some of them better. i will i'm sure.

band practice is in a little over an hour. i've been looking forward to it all week. i can't wait. i was supposed to be on call tonight, but one of the RAs in my building traded last night for tonight with me. being a musician, he understands the importance of music in my life as well. it's awesome. plus, God blessed me with it. i can see it so clearly.

this is a long post, i'm going to post my next thought... so if you couldn't make it to the bottom of this one, you'd read the one before it. which will technically be above it. you may have already read it. unless you read the instructions.

to a work in progress

i've begun the process of treating my body better and getting adequate sleep. i'm putting myself on a sleep cycle. i'll probably end up sick by it, since it's a radical change, going to bed earlier, and waking up earlier. but it's a price i'm willing to pay to end up living a more healthy, more fulfilling day.

think about it. it starts getting dark now at 3. 3 o clock, the sun is already turning in. and i would stay up until at least 2... usually 3 or 4 in the morning. then i'd wake up at some random time in the morning, hitting snooze a million times, and finally when i'd get out of bed i'd feel like waste. but if i get up earlier... say, 8:30 on the nights i'm on call (that way i can get 8 hours of sleep) and 8 on regular days... going to bed at 11, i can get more out of my day. i can be awake when it's warm out. imagine the thought.

i discovered some exercise machines in the computer lab earlier this year. i finally got curious about them tonight and asked if they were operable and available to use. the answer is yes. they have stairmasteresque machines, and a treadmill. i may break out the ishuf and go running. i've got the sneakers for it. i should use them. i think i prefer running indoors more too. i love outside, but it's cold, and there's no reason to go out in it unless i have to. and running isn't a good enough reason. plus on a treadmill i can actually log how fast i'm going, how long i run, how many calories i burn, and how far i run. also it's less to think about. so maybe getting physical activity... starting with a short, manageable block every day would be worth it. and possible.

to your mother

well... maybe this isn't to your mother. but an episode of the office froze on me as i was watching it. and it dawned on me: this is a face only a mother could love. a really... loving mother.

to instability

most of my posts are late at night. lately it's been because i stay up watching movies, and because of checking woot.com... it's an addiction. tonight, they have this thing called a woot off, that refreshes an item every time they sell out. it seems as if they sell small quantities of these items, none of them are very high priced, and some of them are actually decent. i've found a christmas present or two on there already. yay for early shopping.

4 movies i've seen recently:
rattatoulle
eternal sunshine on a spotless mind
snatch
when harry met sally

the first and the last were the best. i'm a big fan of cartoons, and romantic comedies are always a likely vacation. eternal sunshine was as i expected it to be. exactly the kind of movie that i tried to make with my friends in high school. i can't believe it took me so long to see it after people had recommended it so much to me based on my editing style. now i don't make movies anymore. takes too much time and i don't have a camera. or the interest. however, i think the movie was well done, and if you're into some sort of a trippy movie experience, feel free to check it out. it got me thinking about stuff. snatch is my friend danny's favorite movie. i thought it was terrible. but that's usually how i am. i don't like the movies that most guys like... i think they should have developed brad pitt's character a lot more. although, if they did, it would have been a lot like fight club. which is also a movie i'd recommend, but only if you've seen it before. if not, read the book. if you like it, see the movie. you may or may not like it after that. i thought the movie did an interesting take, although the book is definitely something special. and a force to be bargained with.

right now woot! is selling 7 mile walkies... i feel like i should buy them. only 12 bucks. not a bad deal. i could talk to adrienne across the street. or i could just call her with my phone. yea, that'd probably be a better idea.

so i sold my book on amazon... it sold pretty quickly after i posted it. still no bites on guitar hero 2. and i'm the lowest price too. lame. but the book wasn't a bad sell. i bought it for 12 bucks after shipping. sold it for a 7 after amazon's commission. shipping was only 2 bucks cuz i sent it media mail. and uh, yea... made 5 bucks. which means, it cost me about 7 bucks to read it. not a terrible deal, although i think next time i'll just keep the book. maybe. it may build up with a lot of books if i do it this way. or i could go to the library. maybe adrienne's right. haha.

i've got a lot on my mind tonight i think.

i should go to bed.

but know that God is at work... and i'm fully aware of that... and he's moving in ways i can't even see and describe, but i can feel that movement, and it excites me. anyways. i hope all is well with you all. peace.

to vanity part deux

so you want to see the pictures we took? no? oh well, here they are anyways.

click it or ticket.

to nostalgia

so we're moving on friday, and my mom was repacking all of the things from my grade school childhood. i wrote so many journals back then as part of grade school remedial writing exercises. anyways, this is one of them... or at least a few snippets from one. i'll add captions in case they're hard to read.




my worst fear is getting killed. what is your worst fear? my 2nd worst fear is wathing so much tv i get real bad grades.
teacher: [corrected wathing to watching] "i don't like being on the top of a mountain, really." [in relation to the bad grades comment] "you'd better not"


teacher: "ps: please don't color your journal on the outside any more as i'm afraid it will get on my clothes! :)"

to vanity

so my mom's been in this photography thing at risd for awhile, and she's finally getting into the meatier courses. today i went on a photo shoot with her in the lab. we did lighting stuff. it was a lot of fun, and i don't really mind the camera at all, or mirrors. i'm so vain. i think the song is about me. but that's okay. the pictures turned out well. which is good.

she's so funny with this whole photography thing. she went out and bought a top of the line dslr, and 2 amazing lenses... the best two in their categories... and she knows nothing about technology. amazingly, some of her photos come out really well, although it's hard not to have good photos with a camera like that.

i shoot with a rebel, which has never been the same since i let her borrow it half a year ago. which is why i've been thinking about a new camera... and keeping the rebel as a backup if i want one to shoot with that i really don't care about getting stolen, and still have awesome quality shots. it'd be nice. but yea, i'm getting to the point with where i am where the feel of the camera isn't cutting it anymore. it was okay at first, but now it just doesn't feel right when i use it, it's really an odd thing... the same thing goes for certain drum sticks too. so i guess it's normal.

the zune is so ridiculous i can't stand it.
i also think i'm going to buy my mom an ipod for christmas.
apple sells refurbished ones for a hundred bucks. not a terrible price, but still kind of spendy, and i know she'll love whatever i get her regardless of the price, so i'm kind of tossing the idea back and forth. again, i'm not so sure how she'll fare with the technology, even though it's extremely intuitive. who knows?

anyways, this post ended up being nothing about vanity and more of a "here's what i'm currently thinking about" they seem to be doing that lately. i think it's weird how this started off as poems and excerpts from real letters to people, but turned into just general updates. i guess i stopped writing creatively for a bit.

oh, by the way. i started my new art project. but i can't show you. because it's for/about someone. it's kinda frustrating not being able to share and get feedback, but it's okay because i'd rather be in the dark with what people think about it cuz i want it to just be my project in a sense. anyways, i may post some snippets once the project is finished completely.

to santa claus

i know. christmas is forever away. but as my mom says, as soon as my birthday is over (in may) i start thinking about christmas. this is somewhat true to an extent... although i'd like to believe that i'm less of a consumer than i am. but i am. although not mindless. that's not the point. onto what i'm actually talking about.

like i was saying, christmas is somewhat far away, but i've already started thinking about it. i usually make a list of things that i want for christmas, but this year, i decided to do something else first. i made a list of people that i want to get things for for christmas. i know. it's crazy. can i buy people's happiness? we'll see.

i've been putting to work the passage in the bible where jesus talks about using our material wealth to make friends so we'll be welcomed into eternal dwellings. i bought a vanload full of high school kids a dozen donuts, and 2 liters of coke. the joy couldn't be contained. so yea, just another tangible way to follow jesus' teachings.

i wish i could say what i'm getting everyone or making some people. i'm really excited about it, i gotta say.

also, here's my list so far...
fender stratocaster
electric guitar amp
canon 40d
canon ef 24-105mm f/4l is usm
born to buy
the tipping point
family size box of wheat thins
american apparel tshirts... medium... good colors
guitar strap
a sweet belt
gap 1969 boot cut low rise authentic japanese denim jeans 30/32
posters of sweet bands
gift certificates (starbucks, gap, urban outfitters, threadless)
guitar tuner
guitar strap
a rivet gun (i don't need this... i just figure it might be useful someday...)

to her (or rather the post about her... pertaining to the blue hippo)

so anyways...
i bought this adorable ceramic blue hippo piggy bank when i went to savers with a bunch of my residents the other weekend. now, i think the thing is darn adorable, but i really have no use for it, and i have a habit of collecting cute useless things, so i decided to try to sell it on ebay. (view post below)

now adrienne comes into my room one day and spots the blue hippo. she affirms that it indeed is the most adorable ceramic blue useless item that i've accrued as of yet, but thinks that i'm absurd for purchasing it. especially since i was trying to sell it on ebay.

in quite bothered tones, gradually growing louder, she begins to voice her frustration in that i'm only really trying to sell it on ebay as an excuse to keep it. i'm aghast at her accusations of course, as i never originally had that intention (although i'm sure that's the real reason i decided to sell it)

but now, ohhohoho... it didn't sell on ebay. and i get to keep it. mission accomplished.

i'm in the process of reading the book blink. it's a great book about how much of the thoughts we have are actually unconscious, and how to come to terms with the fact that the majority of decisions that we make in two seconds are statistically just as good as our highly informed decisions. if you're doubting me, read the book, it makes a really good case. or i'll explain it to you sometime... which i'm sure will be more exciting for you ryan los types out there... yea, you know who you are.

origins was good tonight. the open mic was great last night too. it was really cool seeing my friend liz play guitar and do really well... she did a colbie cailat song and sounded just like her when she sang it. it was quite amazing. i played grey street on guitar for people, but messed up the chorus while trying to sing and play as i always do. but it's okay. one day i'll get it, and it'll be good. :) but yea, open mics are good. broke down with chris and bryant afterwords and got to joke around about a lot of stuff. bought chris his christmas presents... (lol... christmas is chris and thomas put together... never thought of that) christmas... haha anyways yea... it's exciting.

origins was good. lisa talked about history. about how it's important and how we are in it as well as a big part of it. it got me thinking about the decisions i tend to make, and whether or not they influence history in a good or a bad way. since i'm writing history with every action, i wonder how i'm letting God write that history in a bigger and better way than i could ever imagine. i think i left my bible at origins last week. i've been using an online one, in coordination with esword since then, but i don't remember if i left it there or if it's misplaced somewheres in my room. i guess next time i'll just have to remember to check there.

i've been kind of absentminded lately. wow i'm writing a lot, but i think it's worth getting it all down since i haven't written much lately. anyways, i've had my netflix in my backpack since monday, and i've been meaning to put them in the mail so i can get some new movies, and i've been to the union every single day this week... WITH MY BACKPACK. but i keep forgetting to put them in the mail. i've even checked my mail. and gotten packages. but i forgot. i think tomorrow i'll prolly get some more books in and check my box then. i also wonder who i did on my math test... and how much my econ test got scaled. mead scales a lot.

watched a movie with adrienne tonight. rattatoulle. it was amazing. i laughed so hard at all the wrong things, and i think she laughed harder at me losing it over the little things than the things that were actually funny. although there were a few scenes that were genuinely hysterical, and meant to be so. but i'd recommend it. it's a good flick. it's both fun and clean. go see it. you'll like it. trust me.

anyways, i think bed is an order. i hope i get out of this creative block sometime soon. i haven't done anything new in quite some time, and it's starting to get to me. anyways.

to absurdity

apparently tmobile owns the color magenta... or the rights to it at least. i just read something about it. it's pretty absurd.

to art

i'm working on some new stuff... i'll upload once it's all done

i'm liking it... not sure what it is yet though

to the past

lately my artwork has been kind of lazy... i keep looking for quick ways to do the things i know take the most time. like the panda buffet lady says, "look, you gonna have to wait. good food take time!" but i don't feel like i have the patience anymore, and i feel like i'm at an interim stage with my work... i don't know whether i want to do vector pop or grunge... or maybe somewhere inbetween. but what i do know is that i went through a grunge phase once... this is one of the things i came up with.

[click for bigger]

to getting what i need


maybe it should be my new years resolution to eat better...
this is the result of a dietary analysis between september 21 and september 23

to satisfaction

i'm puzzled as to why companies produce a "family sized" box of snack crackers that doesn't come close to satisfying. i think i'm going to write the producers of wheat thins and triscuit complaints about their products. it might look like this:

dear [insert company name here]
i have a major complaint about your product.
the box isn't big enough. perhaps in addition to "family size" on the box, you should put a disclaimer about how some people may not be satisfied and want to buy two boxes instead of one. it may be a good marketing strategy to create a bigger box... perhaps calling it "steve carroll size". then i may be satisfied. until then, i will continue to buy your crackers as they are delicious, but they leave me wanting. perhaps this is why you make the family size box so small... so we buy more. you're smart. too smart.

-steve carroll
[cracker lover]
[stay at home musician]

p.s. i'd make a good mascot for a cracker company... forget putting rachel ray on your box... she's a tool.

to toby



i kinda have this way of thresholding people that i've never seen done before... it gets a much better exposure, and incorporating a bit of color is always nice. i have a ton of these i've done of people over the past, but toby looks like such a gangster i couldn't resist posting this one.

to life

sparks fly and i find you there, in the glow and it fades away.

to selling things



i'm selling this
here's the link:
blue hippo

to josh

today was an important day for josh, being the first day of eighth grade and all. his teachers would be expecting him on time and ready, with all his books, pens, and pencils in the proper order. he would learn how to be responsible. he would learn it faster than he thought. at least, he would have if that cadillac hadn't come out of nowhere.

to inability

a shocking trait apparent in people my age is their inability to make up their minds. we are unwilling to have a steadfast moral compass. we are fickle fans of friendship. purity is nonexistent. just stay safe. our generation is more concerned with quick gratification than the patience of pleasing others. so i sit on the sidelines while i watch my friends ruin themselves.

it sucks that no one told them that they didn't have to be like anyone else.

to armor

in ephesians, paul talks about putting on the full armor of God.
every day i have to make sure that i give everything to God.
i trade my dirty clothes for the full armor of God.
instead of wearing my doubt, i exchange it for the belt of truth.
i have to throw out my covering of sin and adorn the breastplate of righteousness.
thinking about my misguided steps i fit my feet with the readiness that can only come from the Gospel.

this will continue to stretch and mold me every day.

to recent personality posts

so all this ellen stuff got me thinking about how i view myself, and what may or may not be true about what people think of me. fact is... i know there are things about me that i've got to change to align myself more with the image of Christ. and i'm getting there. but it's taking time.

to who i am sometimes

three years ago/now

Extraversion 60%/53%

Stability 76%/76%

Orderliness 53%/30%

Accommodation 63%/30%

Interdependence 70%/63%

Intellectual 56%/43%

Mystical 30%/50%

Artistic 70%/90%

Religious 90%/90%

Hedonism 16%/10%

Materialism 50%/56%

Narcissism 50%/70%

Adventurousness 63%/43%

Work ethic 43%/36%

Self absorbed 36%/63%

Conflict seeking 56%/56%

Need to dominate 23%/36%

Romantic 83%/83%

Avoidant 10%/30%

Anti-authority 36%/56%

Wealth 56%/90%

Dependency 23%/36%

Change averse 43%/70%

Cautiousness 70%/56%

Individuality 50%/63%

Sexuality 56%/76%

Peter pan complex 30%/36%

Physical security 90%/90%

Physical Fitness 64%/37%

Histrionic 30%/50%

Paranoia 16%/10%

Vanity 63%/90%

Hypersensitivity 16%/16%

Indie 23%/53%

to living life to the fullest

i took a test to rate my life tonight. like i thought, i need to pay more attention to my friendships and family.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:
9.5
Mind:
9.2
Body:
8.6
Spirit:
9.6
Friends/Family:
5.9
Love:
7.7
Finance:
7.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

to imperfection

i just took a personality disorder test. here are the results. how do they look to you?

DisorderRating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:High
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

to ten items or less

10 things i would love to get rid of... but can't :(

1) monday mornings
2) general education requirements
3) my lack of a better word
4) the word colloquium. no one can pronounce it right every time
5) people who can't think for themselves
6) the way the media degrades women and true beauty
7) early closing times
8) colds
9) financial restrictions
10) the way rhode islanders pronounce choice words

to "my friend"

you are not your clothes.
you are not your hair.
you are not your friends.
you are not your calorie intake.
you are not your latest diet.
you are not your newest trend.
you are not your parents' mistake.
you are not your self image.

you are beautiful.

not because of anything you can do.
but because God created you.
but because God loved you.
but because God loves you.

God provides your clothes.
God can count the hairs on your head.
God is bigger than your friends.
God is not concerned with your calorie intake.
God made food for you to eat.
God wants to be your newest trend.
God spoke you into being.
God made you in his image.

and you are beautiful.

to getting older

i have this friend who just turned 20.

she's lost her memory
her eyesight is terrible
she's using old person jargon
she listens to dated music
she watches old movies

next year, she'll be 80.

to being someone

In a room I know of, there’s a sign with things printed on it that says, “don’t be like… my friend” here’s a preview.

My friend is disgusting. 9:38pm

My friend is so excited to see her boyfriend tonight. 11:09am

My friend is unable to sleep because she feels like trashhhhhhhhhhhh. 1:30am

October 23

My friend is wishing people would send her letters :(. 11:32pm

My friend is miserable. 10:32pm

My friend is wishing her mother was no longer breathing. 5:18pm

My friend is wishing it was friday. 8:39am

October 22

My friend is miserable beyond words. 11:55pm

My friend is so bloated and gross :(. 5:47pm

My friend is fat. 1:46pm

October 21

My friend is tiredish. 10:34pm

My friend is fat. 6:53pm

October 20

My friend is stomach ache :(. 10:28am

My friend is seeing her boyfriend today. 8:42am

October 19

My friend is disgusting. 9:13pm

My friend is miserable beyond words. 3:28pm

My friend is wishing someone could make her feel beautiful, even if she's not.
8:11am

October 18

My friend is feeling really bad about herself, more than usual. 11:00pm

My friend is really wishing it was saturday so she could see her baby. 1:36pm

October 17

My friend is miserable. 6:01pm

My friend is most likely failing her chemistry exam at 2. 1:36pm

My friend is trick-or-treating again. 1:22pm

My friend is miserable. 1:15pm

October 16

My friend is disgusting. 11:24pm

My friend is tired. 1:59pm

October 15

My friend is fat. 8:59pm

October 14

My friend is SO TIRED. 7:34pm

My friend is missing her boyfriend. 12:59pm

October 13

My friend is spending the day with the husband <3. 9:02am

October 12

My friend is desperate to be in her babys arms :(. 11:56pm

My friend joined the group I Genuinely Don't Care What Others Think About Me.
12:37pm

October 11

My friend is DIEING. 10:18pm

My friend is not fucking part of red sox nation so stop trying to get her to be.
5:54pm

My friend is sick. 9:30am

My friend is feeling like dirt. 9:03am
October 10

My friend is so miserable. 10:27pm

My friend is definitley getting sick. 6:38pm

My friend is not in the mood to do anything at all. 4:57pm

My friend is starting to get sick. 7:50am

October 9

My friend is tired. 8:57pm

My friend is tired. 5:23pm

My friend is really missing her baby. 1:17pm
October 8

My friend is tired and miserable. 3:53pm

My friend is really not okay. 12:29am

October 7

My friend is not okay. 3:22pm

My friend is wishing she could leave her house and not come back ever. 2:51pm

My friend is unhappy. 12:50pm

My friend is waiting for her baby to come over. 11:07am

to vitamin water

a few nights ago a couple of people patrolling the hallways and came upon my hall. it was late, and i was asleep since i'm in the process of getting over getting a cold. so a friend of mine had been out partying earlier in the night, and i'm assuming he smelled at least a little bit like booze. he was of course toting a bottle, one commonly used for mixing: vitamin water. the bottle was empty at this point, but one of my staff members asked him if she could smell it, he complied. she handed it off to the other to smell. soon after this, my resident cops up, "hey, can i smell it?"

i heard about this incident the next day, which nearly brought me to tears laughing.

to a fresh start

so i was thinking... with my job as an ra, there are a lot of interesting stories to tell. i obviously can't mention names, but i'm going to try to tell as many of those stories as i can without risking someone getting in trouble, or things of that nature. anyways.

to robin williams


i noticed today that bono looks a lot like robin williams. and today's episode of the office was hilarious. that is all.



and this is still hilarious
http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/#mea=169249

friends

andrew
hope
jake and maggie
jeff and lisa
lauren
matt
sami
suzie
chris

to music (top ten albums 2007)

i posted this on jeff and lisa's blog, so i decided to put it on my own... with some explanation, although none is really necessary.

Neon Bible
Arcade Fire
[not only a great album, but when i saw them on saturday night live, i hated them. now i can't stop listening... records that turn your thoughts around are worth it.]

We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
Modest Mouse
[beautiful. their musicality is truly improving. so are their hooks.]

Cassadaga (combined with Four Winds EP)
Bright Eyes
[while the end of the album is slow, the lyrics are still as real as they've ever been, and the Four Winds EP greatly makes up for any misplaced tracks.]

Volta
Björk
[she amazes me with every album she continues to pull out. this one's phenomenal... and makes me forget about her awkward dancing during performances.]

Sky Blue Sky
Wilco
[took a bit to grow on me... i miss their harder sound like muzzle of bees and misunderstood... but it all comes together so nicely in this album. i even made a poster to commemorate its release.]

It Won't Be Soon Before Long
Maroon 5
[wow. i still listen to this album practically every day. perfectly put together, not a track out of place. brilliant. and to think, they were once kara's flowers... torrent them, you'll understand why this album is so different.]

Graduation
Kanye West
[yea. we all know fifty's album sucked. who cares? this album is phenomenal.]

The Shepherd's Dog
Iron & Wine
[i've only listened to it a couple of times, but it'll soon be one of my favorites at the rate it's growing on me. truly a tremendous effort.]

In Rainbows
Radiohead
[shut up. you mean i can pay whatever i want? 600 dollars? 0 dollars? can i pay in yen? anyways. i've only listened to ok computer up to this point. this album, albeit different... still draws me in like okcompy did. but, it's somehow newer.]

The Alchemy Index: Volumes I & II—Fire & Water
Thrice
[i'll admit, i haven't had the time or space to listen to this album yet. but given their track record, this is bound to be solid. plus i've been following it on the website. anyways, check it out.]


runners up:
fall out boy
interpol
sage francis
common

well... that's the list. feel free to +add-subtract/divide*multiply/

to me from 2005

...but as i'm in my box, other things enter. sickness, death, turmoil and tears. god, where are you now? this is your box, why aren't you in it?

so i moved onto another box. where had my dedication gone? my liberty changed gears, and i was forced to create my own box.

it will be worn. there will be holes and empty spaces that i just can't fill. one day, when my box breaks, i'll walk down the narrow road, and find the box i left.

it is purified. i am purified.

to new things

we played with flashlights on the beach.
we did flashlight painting.
we painted pictures with flashlights.

we were snowmen and ninja turtles
we created interesting ways to kill each other,
we shot lasers out of our eyes,
we had fins like mermaids and hats like gentlemen.
we even flew.

we did that kind of thing,
and we were quite entertaining.

to learning

i'm learning how to say "i love you" to people i love, not in a romantic sense, but in a sense of real love and compassion for others. it's a refreshing concept. when i say i love you, i mean it fully, only in a different similar way to the way i tell you that i love you. it's odd.

to day adventure

to insufficiency


i'm crying because so much of you makes no sense in me.
it's packed away somewhere in here and i can't find it.
i even looked for it because i wanted it a few weeks ago.
but the last few times a tried it i messed it up and lost it.
the biggest thing i guess i'm trying to say, in roundabout
terms is that i need you. and i love you. and even though
i don't understand you, and so much of you gets mulled
and feels so incomplete because i can never see the whole
picture, i'm satisfied knowing what i know. but here's the
paradox: i'll always want to know more. you're all of me.
and
that's
never
enough.

music i like

bjork
there's always so much more to her music every time i listen to it. it's a new experience every time... always dictated by the mood i'm in, and always changing the mood i'm in. her music makes me anxious mostly. sometimes it makes me miss my friends. other times it's unpredictable. her live performances though... i don't know... they're always cool conceptually, but she bounces on stage and moves like a poorly programmed robot... her albums are sweet though.

death cab for cutie
i discovered deathcab on the crux of their transatlanticism album quite accidentally. but their music is one of the largest driving forces for me wanting to make music, and enjoying music. i listened to plans over 200 times when it came out. i'm still not sick of it. every time i hear ben gibbards voice singing over the stereo i can't help but think that maybe i could do what they do. they're so extraordinarily ordinary.

sufjan stevens
what is this guy besides amazing. my friend dan says he was once part of an islamic cult. if that's what it takes to play over 40 instruments and be a freaking genius, sign me up. dan could be lying though. he's italian like me.

dave matthews band
they're all so talented, and still so talented when they're drunk. a few years ago i asked a friend (who didn't even really listen to them) "hey, what songs should i listen to if i want to get into dave matthews band?" foolish decision. they're amazing. and carter beauford (BOW-ferd) is my hero. well... my mom is. but he's close. very close.

thrice
such musically diverse hardcore it blows my mind. my friend andrew does a partial cover of music box that would blow you away. my glorious>music box>salty grave medley. it's like the ultimate vegetable medley of music. also, check out dustin kensrue. their lead who did a solo project.

brand new
black rebel motorcycle club
regina spektor
ryan adams
bright eyes
bluegrass covers of pop songs
maroon 5
the killers
anathallo
copeland
derek webb
page france
jars of clay
david crowder band
john mayer
coltrane
thelonious monk
beck
moby
u2
interpol
fall out boy
wilco
radiohead
kanye west
miles davis
needtobreathe
dustin kensrue
dispatch
coldplay
david monica
formal action
billy joel
postal service
counting crows
sigur ros

burn me a cd. that's what jesse did. now i love matt pond pa.

about the blog

you know the part on the matchbook that you strike the match across? well, when you strike it on that part, and the match lights, toward the end, when all the matches get used up, the paint around that part is faded because of the match lighting. that's what this blog is about. it's about how at the end of the day when i've stopped pretending, what i really think. it's my response to life. as honest as i can be.

this blog is formatted mainly as letters to the tangible and the intangible. sometimes what i write or create is about/to someone, or just relating a concept.

this blog is about me. and if you are in any way connected to that, i'd be happy to hear from you. to tell people about you.

this blog isn't about the glorious match flame... it's about the reality that the fire ends. and the truth behind it.

about me

hey, i'm steve. i'm currently a student at the university of rhode island, where i am studying marketing. school's a lot of fun... well, not the school part. but the social aspect of it is phenomenal. i'm an RA in one of the residence hall here. (it's my job, but it doesn't feel like a job) but anyways, when i'm not going to class or working, i'm either hanging out with people, playing music, or doing stuff for origins.

art is. whatever. and i'm into it. if there were more museums around me, i think i'd get lost. i already spend far too much time online looking at art, reading art, or listening to art.

i'm a musician in the truest sense. i love all aspects of music, and i can never get enough of it. i've got the highest standards for what i listen to and create, but i choose to ignore those standards regularly, and just enjoy myself. like i said, i'm a musician. i love music.

i've been told i'm an artist, although it's not something i'm likely to admit. there are far more talented people out there, my artwork half the time doesn't even come close, but i create what's me, and that's what's important.

i want to change the world. what that means at this point, i have no idea. my life is a constant adventure to figure out how it'll all play out.

to quote rachel's buddy, don:
"my life testifies that the first thing i believe is that i am the most important person in the world. my life testifies to this because i care more about my food and shelter and happiness than about anybody else.

i am learning to believe better things. i am learning to believe that other people exist, that fashion is not truth; rather, jesus is the most important figure in history, and the gospel is the most powerful force in the universe. i am learning not to be passionate about empty things, but to cultivate passion for justice, grace, truth, and communicate the idea that jesus likes people and even loves them."

to real poetry

lethargic
apathetic
zebra
yea, i'm done

to distance

did you get my voicemail
about grabbing coffee?
it's been far too long.
the though of seeing you again
makes me anxious.
i discovered a love for smoking;
i'm not a smoker.
maybe a handful of times,
i've relished it.
since i don't delight in the prospect of cancer,
i'll keep the amount low.
but coffee.
coffee is my innocuous euphoria.
it's a shame you don't drink coffee.

to new music

it's quite exciting. today i received 3 new cds. both by great musicians, both who i would love to work with at least once in my life, but one i enjoy much more. my friend dave came out with a cd. i love it. it's that simple. he even sent me two copies for the price of the one i bought... with a sweet note included

i think adrienne will enjoy it as well. in case you're wondering, david crowder band's remedy is the second album i received today. it's good, but right now i'm in a david monica mood.

www.davidmonica.com

to no one

midnight love
your song
so smooth
on my lips
is a taste
i can't ignore.

the irony i know
is that by this time tomorrow
you won't
remember my name.

midnight love
our breath
pristine
mingled here
for awhile
immaculate.

the irony i know
is that by this time tomorrow
you won't
remember my name.

midnight love
your eyes
like pools
intrinsic
of twilight
engage me

the irony i know
is that by this time tomorrow
you won't
remember my name.

to relationships

they come in pairs
these four eyed monsters
mini skirts and tramp stamps
clothing soon to fly
for why should i be bothered
with this nonsense, not absconding
my senses, but pervasively pushing
propaganda toward the very heart
that might shy away.
i scorn these four eyed monsters,
for there are the somber
no sway, no decay, not those
who throw their lives away
for just a chance to be
a little bolder, to seem a little closer,
to feel loved and seem to know
for just a short while
that they might be.
but it's fake
and panic grips my body
to the core i am forced
with no choice to do what i despise.
i'm a hypocrite, my compromise,
i admit, is that i am a four eyed monster

to her

she stood there glowing when the sky opened up. her life was aflame, a burnt offering with power found in her every word. the love in her hands: unmeasurable, each footprint carried zealous devotion. her whole existence was bent on fire that from insatiable sparks, turned to flame. and she burned. she burned loud and bright luscious intensity.

to silence

i imagine myself on a train, other times it doesn't quite work out as well. i had an odd dream when i fell asleep studying for calculus and missed the class. i was vomiting sporadically, and when that ceased i discovered that i had lost everything. i opened my backpack and my laptop had split in half. i started kicking the wall, which spawned an earthquake. the phone rang to wake me.

to boredom

there is thunder and there is lightning. excitement grips his body. trembling with anticipation, he has not heard from her in three days. how thrilled he is at the prospect of never seeing her again.
the hurricane downed on their small village a week ago. small at first, but growing. quickly knocking out windows and busting through doors. the winds howled in agony as the ceiling of the sky was torn off. he hadn't seen her in three days.
on her last visit she left without a smile. he said goodbye without a care. no smoke. no mirrors. no tears. it was the only good good bye he ever experienced. in fact, nothing could be better. he was going to end it. she wasn't right, nothing felt right with her. she was too slow for him. he liked bowling, she would come, and they'd kiss goodnight in the car afterwards.
now he's staring out the window hailing the hurricane while whispering praises to the god he doesn't believe in.

to no one

i wrestled once.
with you. with myself.
i stopped staring at my shoes.
i hesitated. i made eye contact.

those eyes. your thousand story eyes
that could never just stare.
they ravaged my soul with desire.
all is well now.

to myself

you're three days leave from extraordinary
remarked the burning sun as i flew from it
across a broken bridge of empty words
soon to be left behind.

i ran.

what did the sun know of my restlessness?
did it perceive my unease?
could it stand with me in suffering?
i'll keep running.